Scrambled Certainty

Lately.... as in the past few months... i have been so ready for a nice break. Actually, no, i'm ready to graduate and be free. I'm not at all looking forward to college just yet... i just want an open gap where i can relax and sleep. (: Sounds way to good to be true... but hey Spring break is around the corner!

My Senior year has been nothing but wonderful... i am so blessed. I feel myself becoming more introverted, which is how i was up until junior high where i started coming out of my shell more and more. I've always had a piece of "quiet girl" in me at appropriate times... but she's coming back for more. I'm not sure if she's back because she doesn't want to miss these next few months as my next chapter in life fast approaches. I'm not sure if she's coming back because the extroverted me is exhausted... but i like her being here.

I have a difficult time even updating this blog... honestly... i'm considering deleting this whole thing... i feel exposed. I'm learning more and more about boundaries.... and that not trusting everyone is wise. I'm trying to keep a firm line between being an example to others.... and saying to much. I trust that the Spirit will nudge me when i should open up at appropriate times of course. I'm clinging to James 1:19 right now, "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." There's so much in that verse that i have never put into practice- it's the sad truth that i am fighting to change.

I have been praying a lot for more wisdom... i think it's wise alone to add that to your prayer everyday and keep searching in the Word for a deeper understanding. I agree with Solomon when he says, "The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow." Ecclesiastes 1:18. Of course the Lord is the ultimate source of joy, but living in a world where humans constantly make wrong decisions.... and i make wrong decisions.... it can be depressing in the moment of realizing that i have messed up... or seeing someone constantly mess up who looks at his/her own actions as fun or worth the risk.

I am currently juggling a lot of books.... i'm not much of a reader when it comes to secular books... i think it's humorous because if i get a great Christian book... i'm addicted. The only thing i asked for on my birthday was books. I did the same thing for my 17th birthday and found the books very fulfilling. Right now i'm reading Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, The 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman, Reshaping It All by Candace Cameron Bure, Boundaries in Dating by Dr Henry Cloud, and a little bit of Style by Lauren Conrad when I'm in the mood for mindless reading. If i get several great books at a time.. it is very difficult for me to focus on just one, as shown above.

You may notice that the pattern of the books that I got are on "love".. just the way most of my library is... yeah, i'm a girl... and that topic is my passion. Which again, makes me question my whole major in college. I feel that God will call me to reach out to girls and women somehow. I feel right with the major i have now... I just feel like God has more ideas for me for ministry which is great! I know on top of that... i plan to write a book. That's a goal of mine. I've been writing books since i was 5-6 years old... when i got into writing more serious books... i never finished. I have kept journals all of my life. Writing is a big part of who i am. I want this. God willing, of course.

I have shared enough. Sorry to my followers for not updating. My blog is becoming stale, but that is okay with me. (: