And you can't point fingers

What do i want? It can't be love.
The liar tells me that 
Love at this age is fake
and delusional
and heart-breaking
and misleading
and a lie

I don't want to risk the possibility of becoming that "annoying, exclusive pair" with someone.
I don't want to risk giving into the temptations of going further.
I don't want to risk believing in something that is a 50/50 chance.
I don't want and do want so many things that i don't even know which way is mine.

And yet,
something keeps me going and keeps me pushing.
something keeps this alive. Whatever "this" is.

This is a mystery. I am confused. You should be confused.
"This" is confusing. "This" may not even be real. maybe it's all an allusion.

Whatever it is... i think i have finally figured "this" out.
"This" is me believing that love is possible. That it is able to be real and eternal.
"This" can be defined as hope that won't die. Hope that's holding on to the last possible strand.
The last strand that makes your hands bleed and knuckles sore.
"This" is not giving up. Every girl can say, "This" has become a school girl crush gone wrong.
It always seems like it does.
“Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. 
You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.”
-Audrey Hepburn.

But when you put it all into perspective.. in reality... "This" is faith. This = faith.
Everything you ever go through for someone or with someone with no strings attached, no promises made, and no idea what will happen... is FAITH! And faith is the "This" that is pressing me forward.


Because in reality love is beautiful. God puts love on a pedestal.
God heeds love's importance again and again.
You can do all things great and not love... and still burn in hell.
Just take a look at 1 Corinthians 13. Love is important.
Not just romantic love, but loving other humans. Loving everyone is the most important.
Love is vital. And never could i look at God... and look at all He's done.. and not believe in love.
I KNOW it's real.. and i want to experience it.

Usually i am a closed book, but now i must admit that
in other words, i want to fall in love. Just like every other girl.

In all seriousness..

Do you know what i seriously dream of? Do you know what i would love?
I would just love to have amnesia for one week.
I'd love to not know who my friends are and re-analyze who i associate myself with.
I'd love to remember nothing about anyone and have a clean sheet, a fresh start.
I'd love to be told who my supposed friends are and see how my infant-like reaction to them would be.
I'd love to remember everything at the end of the week and remember my amnesiac perspective and then compare it to my original perspective. i would absolutely love that.

CIY MOVE 2010

Last week (19th- 24th) i went with 77 other people from my church to S. Illinois University to CIY MOVE.
Having gone to the CIY 2 years ago i was expecting to go there, let God change and better me, and leave with a fire for Christ that, to my disappointment, i knew would die 2 weeks later.
Two years ago when i went it was my first time and i didn't know what to expect. I came out of it blown away and it sickened me to be home.. back to reality.

This time i went into CIY already being on fire for Christ (if you read my previous blog you know why), and i had no idea what would happen. To be honest, i didn't feel like God was speaking to me at all through any of the lessons. I felt like what was being taught was what i already knew and i was simply being reminded. For me, all the sermons were like watching the Notebook.. such a great and lovely movie, but i have already seen it plenty of times and it won't move me again until i see it in a long time from now.

   GOD still worked and showed His presence to me in different ways. He helped me find a book that i've eyed for a couple of months and that is absolutely perfect for my spiritual growth right now.. Forgotten God.
   GOD put me in a D-group that was filled with a couple people God placed on my heart to pray for long before CIY, new people that i was intrigued by on the trip up, a couple of friends i have started to get to know, and two great leaders Todd & Sierra. Sierra is my sisters' friend's older sister. She is the youngest leader who went but her wisdom is honestly equal or above a couple of the older adults who did go. Todd was someone i was always curious about.. i was glad anytime he was going to speak at AWAKE because all the boys' highest respect and love for him as a small group leader made me want to experience it too. Basically after seeing who was all in my D-group it was great to not only know but to see that God had a purpose for that.
   GOD did the work of physical healing in two different instances one involving me and one involving a friend. I have never experienced God in that way and it blew my mind.

Whatever God wanted me to get out of CIY i didn't know even on the last day, which was exciting but kind of  nerve-wracking. I just assumed that whatever God wanted me to carry on to impact my life would have to be my challenge card.

On the very last night, there was the annual girls' night party.. every year, all the girls get together and bring left over junk food and hang out. The night started with all of the girls on the trip except maybe.. 5-7 girls who chose to sleep. Little by little girls would leave and go to bed and by 2:30a.m. only Shelby, Shannon, Alisha, Lakin, Brooke, Carlie, Eden, and I were left. I was falling asleep and speaking of going off to bed multiple times.. but by 3 or 4am we were all wide awake and God brought us together in ways that none of us ever dreamed. It was a very personal night that was fun, scary, peaceful, sad, and joyous (i do not use any of those adjectives lightly), but all of us were affected by it and i believe that God made it strictly the 8 of us for a reason. We are all starting an accountability group that i have been personally longing to have for a while. All of us feel like we have been friends for years, and we have a great love for each other that is present in a way so much stronger than before that night/morning happened.

Then i knew that one of God's purposes for me being at CIY was for that night. At WRCC's CIY AWAKE WORSHIP NIGHT i opened my challenge card and it is absolutely PERFECT. God told me to lead my family in a weekly bible study... and to start off with the book of Mark.
I know that big things will come from the family devotional time because it's everything my family needs right now.

The outcomes of CIY this year for me are going to be long-lasting and life-changing in contrast to the last time i went where i was on fire for Christ for only a couple of weeks and then it burned out. Honestly, i don't even remember what i learned the first time i went, but this year i am still learning things from it and will gain so much more. Thank you Jesus. <3

Out of the ashes we rise.. there’s no one like You

"The Holy Spirit had not yet come upon any of them, for they had only been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus." Acts 8:16

 God has been moving in my life a bunch lately and showing me new things.
I have been baptized by water, but my mom baptized me by the Holy Spirit on July 14th. I didn't even know baptism by the Holy Spirit is different than baptism by water. I have felt the Holy Spirit before but not like now. If you have not been baptized by the Holy Spirit you should definitely pray about it. It has changed my life.

“I baptize with water those who repent of their sins and turn to God. But someone is coming soon who is greater than I am—so much greater that I’m not worthy even to be his slave and carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire." -Matthew 3:11

"Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit." -John 3:5 

In other ways, a lot has happened since my last post. I wish i could remember everything to update on, but i can hardly even remember what i did this past week.

My mom ended up staying in Florida to say good-bye to Grandpa for 3 weeks!!! My mom and great-aunt prayed over him and talked to him for 1.5 hours right before he died and felt so much joy and peace in their hearts. Gene Weisenberger 3/3/33 - 6/29/10.

I got a twitter (soviesunshine) a couple of weeks ago. This is something that i have been debating about for awhile. I always feel like twitter is promoting narcissism in a lot of cases. Quite frankly, no one really cares what you're doing every second of your life. Facebook and twitter go hand in hand with being abused. It's so easy to be completely full of yourself on either accounts. As Christians, we need to fight the urge to talk about ourselves and uplift ourselves. We do not belong to ourselves (1 Corinthians 6:19). Instead we should be lifting Jesus up and sharing about Him. We weren't put on this earth for ourselves. God gave me the idea to make a twitter to tweet inspirational quotes and bible verses that speak to me. I figure that friends get these sent to their phones; great way to inspire them too! So follow me, friends!

CIY Move starts tomorrow and i am so ready to let God work.