For the Ladies: Breaking the Cycle

I wrote this blog post over a month ago, and it has been saved to my post drafts. I'm hesitant to post this because I feel obligated to guard myself and other women that I dearly want protected. But I also want this notion publicized so other ladies can see how they work.

I firmly believe that God designed women to desire... to be desired! This idea was first introduced to me in a book called Captivating... a book so many of us love because of the honesty that most of us could never put into words before reading. As I view myself, and as I have had unfiltered and honest conversations with my closest friends, this idea that women want to be desired is very evident.

With that being said, I've realized that it's not very difficult for a woman to fall in love. I don't know how men work to a T, but it's not hard for women to fall hard at all. I don't like this notion out in the public eye because the wrong guys are going to think that this is how they can get in. Please, no pun intended :)

But seriously. Picture this: you meet an attractive guy, you both get along well, you guys click, and you have the same beliefs and opinions on important topics.... obviously a woman like yourself will start to fall in love with him if he expresses interest in you... and sometimes.. maybe a woman will regardless.

This is very dangerous. But it's also why I believe that a woman needs to be extremely guarded and very difficult to pursue. I think that if a woman is fond of a guy for the most part, as soon as he wants to be with her, she will be eager to get the ball rolling and fulfill her God-given desire. When this happens, she is letting her guard down and could be hurting herself if he's the wrong guy. ALSO, I know a lot of you may be reading over the wrong guy part.... but remember that even if you are convinced that he is the right guy... never underestimate the fact that you are a human who is very capable of having poor judgment.

"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer,

    not to awaken love until the time is right." 
Solomon 2:7

Call me traditional, but if you examine life before dating, you see a lot of interesting ways to filter out the wrong man. You see the dowries, the arranged marriages, the higher expectations of respect, courting, and parental involvement. I'm not saying that I agree with any of those old social standards. However, these were all done to protect couples.

So what is there now? I don't see much. I see a lot of carelessness and instant gratification. And then, I see hurt.


In The Great Gatsby, I couldn't help but wince at Daisy's famous quote about her daughter. I'm sure that regardless if you've read the book or seen the movie, you've heard of this quote.

 "I hope she'll be a fool. That's the best thing that a girl can be in this world; a beautiful, little fool". 

That's very deep and creative writing on Fitzgerald's part. I can totally understand the hurt in Daisy's heart over Mr. Buchanan's choices and all of the pressure she experienced with her mother on her engagement. Having to believe that the right man for her was forever wrong because he couldn't provide at the time. BUT, wouldn't it be more wise to wish that you were beautiful and strong? Beautiful and wise?

Daisy didn't wish for wisdom because she saw no way to be preventative. That is how deep her hurt went. There was hopelessness in Daisy's heart, and she was so broken down that she was giving up on any possibility of a right man. And at times, I don't blame her. But I'd personally rather be one step ahead than oblivious and living in falsehood.

So how do we filter out the wrong guys? How do we be careful not to settle? How do we protect ourselves from desiring what may be wrong?

1. Know what you want in your man. If dating around a little bit is what it takes to find out, do so. Also, make it clear that you aren't dating for anything serious, but for fun. :) If things turn serious because you've found him, it's not your call to make it that way. He needs to have that conversation with you. You do not lift a finger. He pursues you.

2. Don't pursue. Be pursued. Be honest with yourself.. would you feel more satisfied if you pursued a man and ended up together or if he pursued you and you ended up together? Uh huh.

3. Realize that if a man won't work hard to be with you, you probably don't mean very much to him. Sometimes men aren't ready for relationships. When their minds are completely ready and they feel that they are capable of their role as a beau or husband, they will fight for you. Don't force a man to fight for you and definitely don't help him fight for you.

4. Be patient. Wait for something that you know is worth your time. Culture today says to RUSH everything in order to reach happiness as soon as possible. However, when relationships are rushed, we may compromise our beliefs as we don't have time to slow down, process everything, and guard ourselves. People seem to believe that marriage/love equals ultimate happiness and freedom, which is why they tend to rush relationships. In reality, being impatient and then hurting yourself because of it will take a long time too!

5. Know that you don't need a man. I would say that most women want a man, but once you realize that you don't need one, you don't feel as urgent to find him. He does not complete you. If he is right, he will add to you. He will never take from you if you are confident in yourself.

6. Know yourself. When a woman doesn't know herself she will be flimsy and easily persuaded. She needs to have an understanding of herself and how God made her. She needs to know her dreams and passions. She needs to know what she wants and what's important to her.

7. Have realistic expectations. I almost said, "don't have expectations!", but I don't want women to lose sight of what they deserve. However, you need to expect a man to treat you right and be respectful. Don't go into a possible relationship expecting a man to meet everything on your list. But also, don't settle for him if he doesn't meet enough!

8. Know your Savior. As Christians it is easy to stand still and allow our quiet time to become a routine; however, we need to keep ourselves in check. As well as everything else we go through, we need to have a solid walk with the Lord. We need to allow Him to guide us through our relationships. The Holy Spirit will be working in you and giving you discernment throughout your life and relationship if you are asking him for such direction.

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

Proverbs 4:23